Hey, ABC, if you're
looking for ideas ...

One by one the final three programs on my ABC Must See list became unbearable. Terri Hatcher single-handedly ruined Desperate Housewives, Lost became Hopelessly Lost, and Boston Legal fell victim to creator David E. Kelley's tendency to visit wells run dry.

Because I bailed many months ago, I remained unaware until recently – when I watched the Little League World Series and saw some ABC's promos – that one of this fall's new sitcoms was lifted from a TV commercial.

That program is Cavemen, taken from an obnoxious series of Geico ads. Actually, all Geico ads are obnoxious; these are about the prehistoric creature sulking over the line, "So easy a caveman could do it."

Obviously that line holds much truth. For one thing, it accurately describes what it takes to create a television series. But, hey, why stop at Cavemen? Here are other rather obvious ideas for weekly programs ... especially in an era that – television-wise – will be recalled for the rapid decline of commercial networks:

RESTLESS IN REDONDO BEACH aka The RLS Files. This one comes from those commercials for Requip, a medication for RLS - restless leg syndrome. Brooke Burns stars as an uncanny (and incredibly sexy) private detective known as Restless Rhonda, whose uncontrollable twitching is her most valuable crime-solving tool. She tries to sleep, but her restless legs guide her to clues that unmask killers. Weak and close to delirium after walking and running for days to catch a killer in the pilot episode, Rhonda shouts, "Give me my Requp! I haven't slept in weeks!" "Sorry," says her friend and one-time boss, Police Chief Cody Pendant (Robert Downey Jr.) "Society needs your RLS! It's all that stands between law and order ... and absolute chaos!"

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A-MAYS-ING BILLY!!!

Please excuse the size of this title, but that's what it takes to cover this sitcom about the world's loudest human – Billy Mays, of course. How loud is Billy Mays? So loud that young Billy was abandoned in the woods at birth by parents whose eardrums couldn't take the pounding. So loud that even wolves wouldn't raise the kid. So loud that Billy wasn't allowed in school. Which is why he became a self-educated know-it-all who bathed himself in Oxi Clean and now shouts advice to the world. Network executives love A-Mays-ing Billy!!! because it overrides the mute button. The sitcom takes place in Mays' living room, set up as an infomercial studio. He will sell various products in his inimitable style and there will be vignettes featuring washed-up celebrities playing "real people" using these products. The opening episode features Dan Aykroyd in drag using the Vidalia Slice Wizard.

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SCOOTER, SHE RODE. Some critics are calling this one Ironside, Revisited. The main character is a crime-solving senior citizen (Estelle Getty) who operates out of The Scooter Store. In truth, however, there's nothing that prevents Getty's character from walking on her own. She's simply hooked on the scooter because it's equipped with a tape that plays "I Get Around" on an endless loop.

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HAVE LAPTOP, WILL TRAVEL. This was inspired by the Re/Max commercial that asks, "Where do you want to be?" The series is about a couple (Scott Bakula and Melissa Gilbert) who can't settle down in one place. Each episode begins with them going online to remax.com and finding a new home in a new location where they get involved in a new neighbor's crisis. But having been there and done that, a week later they move again.

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FANTASY WEBSITE. Again, a rather obvious idea, an extension of Fantasy Island, but this one stars Dr. Neil Clark Warren, unctuous founder of eHarmony.com. The program will dramatize some matches made by this self-proclaimed match-making wizard. Assisting will be a tiny sidekick named Candoo, played by Verne Troyer, best known as Austin Powers' Mini-Me.

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THE ODDEST COUPLE. Apologies to Neil Simon, who deserves better, but this sitcom comes from the Hefty Bag commercial featuring the wizened old guy and the fey giant who looks like a transsexual on steroids.

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POTTY TRAINING. Anyone who watches daytime TV knows this is a long-overdue reality series. Jeff Probst hosts a Big Brother-like show that features a dozen sets of young mothers and their infants. This time contestants want to be eliminated – because that will proclaim to the world that their child is successfully toilet trained. Last pair remaining will be referred to as the World's Worst Mommy and the World's Dumbest Kid. The series kicks off with Potty Training: Celebrity Edition. I don't want to spoil things, but expect Britney Spears to hang around til the end. No word yet whether Spears is the mommy or the child.

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INVASION OF THE BEER MONSTER! Natasha Henstridge stars as the seemingly indestructible Heineken robot run amuck in a large American city. David James Elliott stars as the government agent who must stop her, a job made more difficult by the fact every man in the city has become the robot's willing slave.

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SIDE EFFECTS. This is a combination entertainment-public service docudrama based on drug commercials. The show presents stories about people who experience one of those drug side effects rattled off by announcers on speed. Each program ends with this tagline: "There are seven million stories in Pharmaceutical City. This has been one of them." Huge ratings are expected for the season opener, starring Snoop Dog in an episode entitled "The 14-Hour Erection."